Self respect

Something happened/shifted for me this week and I wanted to share it with you all. I got an invite from a good friend to go to the theatre. Nice yes, however it was a second hand invite as the original person was not able to attend. I have wanted to go back to the theatre for a while so I could have jumped at the offer only my instant gut reaction was no. Thanks, but no.

It was a new feeling with a depth and calmness to it. It felt really nice. It felt safe.

I am still breathing in the magnitude of the above words and probably will do for some time. I realised in that moment I was not disappointed, upset, resentful or hurt. Just safe. Safe in my own skin, heart and mind. Safe, in the comfort of the realisation that I am worthy.

It felt very natural , although also something that I don’t remember feeling before. I felt ‘self respect’. I did not realise that the word had a feeling connected to it. That was my experience. Sometimes, you don’t realise what you are missing until you suddenly ‘feel’ it in your body.

There is a sadness around it. Most of my life i have put other people and their feelings before my own and on many occasion dismissing myself completely. My process, learning and self development has revealed so many things about myself than I even realised. No wonder I felt invisible for so long. Harsh realisation. I made myself invisible by disappearing into everyone that I spoke to without me even being aware.

I allowed people to over power me, to cover me with all their ‘stuff’. They told me their whole life story without asking, without me giving them my permission and without a single “how are you?”.

It was if I wasn’t there. Like they were talking to a ghost.

Where was I?

Could they not see me?

Where did I go?

How could they just ‘dump’ all of their stuff on me and then just leave.

They all treated me like I was nothing. Invisible.

Was I invisible?

I couldn’t be physically invisible but somehow I was. How?

BOUNDARIES.

Is it about them, me or both?

One to ponder………

With much love and respect

Sophie Marie x

Art and Frame Collaboration

Each part of my art process is equally as important as the other and as such choosing the right frame for my art piece is essential. I have researched in detail the style of frames that I like and dislike and I have a vision of the style of work that I want to exhibit.

The collaboration with art and frame is paramount and has to uphold my standards as an artist. Only when I am truly happy with my framing decision can I start the process of putting the finishing touches to a piece.

Of course, you have to build a good relationship with your framer in order to convey your ideas and help them understand your vision.

The magic happens when I see my art piece framed and I know it just works, this is how it is supposed to be.

Packaged and professionally framed ready to display (coming soon)

Sophie Marie

Coming back

To start, I want to congratulate myself and in turn anyone that is getting back to their writing after a long time. The reasons for my absence I will speak about in another post however for now I want to stay with what is coming up for me at this present moment.

I have felt different in the last few days and that is due to lots of things. I have been talking for a long time about how I need to meet new people with similar interests and mindset to me and how I have faith that these people are coming. I do not know when and of course this is hard. I have been around many people that were not for me, not healthy for me and simply not on my wavelength and so I understand the need to wait for what is meant to be, who is meant to be.

I am finding it hard to write today as it has been such a long time. I am sharing my truth with you so that you too can know you are not alone and its ok to feel rusty or out of touch with your fingers and the keys. I feel like I can take on the world today and I am using this to just go with whatever comes out. For now it is about typing one word after another, just doing it without thought and filter. Sometimes in life, we have to just do it despite the fear, the uncertainty, the self doubt, the lack of knowledge. At these times it is not about the words per se but the courage you have to have put the words down, for that I am proud of myself and you.

I am a strong believer in giving yourself a pat on the back for all the perceived small milestones. I use the word perceived as some people think the small are insignificant, not worth celebrating, not important enough to mention. I believe it is the ‘smaller’ steps that are the significant steps as these are the ones that start businesses, start ideas, start self growth and development. These are the moments that are significant moments in yours and my history. With the credit I give to myself, I am giving myself self love and acceptance which will then enhance my confidence in order to keep writing.

I have only typed a few paragraphs and I already feel different in myself. It is so powerful to do that which makes you feel the most alive and how for me that lights me up from the inside. It is like I have switched on my light and I am just in the moment, free. I have been walking the streets of my home not with a spring in my step but with a skip. I have a childlike quality, I am walking on air and it is light both on foot and in my heart.

I have picked this piece back up after starting it a few days ago. It is not as easy as it seems as there are sometimes distractions, real life things that need to be attended to or quite often something else stopping my progress. Me.

I can attach blame or an excuse to lack however this is just what keeps me stuck and stagnant. I am the only one that can write, put pen to paper, fingers to keys and this is what creates the utmost frustration. When I know I am the one getting in my own way, my own worst enemy it is hard and in turn this adds to the lack of progress.

This is not a self pity piece, it is simply an honest account of where I am at and I hope that by accepting my truth and sharing it with you I will in turn keep doing what I want to do, what I know deep in my soul I am meant to do, write.

I have been reflecting on my life at lot recently. I look back at where I was years ago and I am in such an amazing place in comparison. The difficulty with this now is that as I have increased my self confidence, esteem and self respect that I know how much I am capable of, what I want to do and where I want to go. I feel such a long way off.

That pulled at my heart in a big way as I feel like in one way I have only just begun and this brings its own anxiety. Even though I have been writing my personal memoir for a few years and writing this blog (despite the gap) I feel like a novice. In all honesty I am and it is hard.

My prefrontal cortex or rational side of my brain understands how far I have come, what I have been through and what I have achieved to get me here however I want to release my emotional side. I want to share my thoughts and insecurities with you so that I can be honest about who I am. I can intellectualise things well, I was always good at that and more often than not too good so that I wasnt being honest with myself about my struggles and challenges.

As quoted in the Lets Go On A Bear Hunt “you can’t go under it, you can’t go over it, oh no you have to go through it”. There is no other way, not if you want to live an authentic life. I have to continue doing what I am doing, facing my fears, writing and talking about my challenges and insecurities in order to give them light and air so that in time they can dissipate. I need to write every day (I will try) so that it becomes more of a habit and becomes part of my everyday life again. This is turn makes me feel more alive, more connected, more free and that I am doing something worthwhile and fulfilling. Fulfilling is a big word for me just now as I have been feeling that a lot of what I have been doing lately is not fulfilling. I have a big mind, huge imagination and I feel like I am very limited in what I am doing on a daily basis.

I feel like my close surrounding world is very small and somewhat restrained and as such I feel even more alienated. I am more connected to the bigger world and less connected to the smaller. As I sit and write I reflect on the big feeling, perhaps a revelation that if I go further in my journey and on my path in the bigger world I will become less connected to the smaller hence so much more further away. My words are jumbled as I write. They are all trying to come together and make sense to me.

Fear is the main word that is coming to mind. Fear of what I am leaving behind, maybe a fear of who I am leaving behind and this is coming clearer the more I write. That is the beauty and the power of writing. It is my way of talking as I don’t have people currently in my life that understand where I am at spiritually. When I write, I somehow feel connected. I feel like people are listening, people understand. I have faith that there are people reading that can identify with me and for that I am very grateful and it gives me peace.

I still have my gremlin on my shoulder that tries to scare me into not writing however I have reframed the word fear for myself so that I no longer let it get its way. I refuse to let it have its way. I refuse to give it power. The only one that has the power is me and this is my personal power.

My reframed fear is:-

F eel

E nergy

A nd

R elease

Fear is a form of energy so I thought of a way of looking at fear when I feel it, when it comes up and I allow it to stop me doing what I want to do. These words just came to me and as I write them down I released that it is basically taking a breath, a deep cleansing breath. Feel Energy is breathing in deeply And Release is breathing out. I have reframed my fear so that when it comes up I breathe in and out until my nervous system naturally calms again. I now have a positive association with fear rather than a negative, an obstacle.

If there is a word that you are struggling with, stuck on and it is keeping you moving on, moving upwards or forward then just reframe it. You give it another meaning, something that resonates with you, something that changes it from a negative to a positive.

Do not let fear stop you, reframe it so that it starts you.

Start do not stop.

With my deepest love and respect, sending you peace and light

Sophie Marie x

Manifesting what you want in life and trusting the universe

Sophie Marie

It has been way too long since I wrote. I am not going to beat myself up for it, it is what it is and I am here now. As I allow things to just be and embrace them for what they are and the timing of events I can keep faith that what I need will come to me when the time is ready. That said, on occasion I realise, as I did recently that if there are particular areas of my life that are not growing it is up to me to look into this. I have often wondered why I was only achieving a certain number of clients in my business and why this was. It was then that I realised I had a blockage.

Money for me has a negative connotation attached to it. My experience of money was that it was used to control and…

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I wish the world would stop

I wish the world would stop
Just for a while,
So that I can sit
And turn down the dial.
Someone pressed the pause button
And gave us all a chance,
To slow down, to reflect
Instead of walking in a trance.
The less you have
The more you can see,
Just how much you could be.
What keeps you grounded?
What makes you free?
Imagine you are a strong rooted tree.
Look closely within
The answers are clear,
The quiet is a gift
So that you can hear.
Your core is a calling
It wants you near,
The peace you need
Is right here.
Come closer
You too,
And remember
I am here for you.

Honesty

I wanted to write today about something so important to me and something that is really beginning to have a positive effect on my life. I want to write about being more open and honest. Honest with myself hence honest with others. If a friend or partner said something to me that upset me I would think and say a lot. Numerous thoughts and multiple conversations. The only problem was that these conversations were in my head.

I would never say this to the person involved. What was it that stopped me? Fear! What would they say? What would they do? What would they think of me? What would happen? How would it, could it be resolved? Fear of the unknown would hold me back yet again.

A few years ago I spoke to a friend about our relationship. A huge undertaking. Fear. Anxiety. Exposed. Vulnerability. These words were how I felt. Then I started to speak. As more words came out of my mouth I felt more relaxed. I was finally connecting to my truth, my innermost feelings. I felt more free, empowered and connected.

I began to realise that the only negative in the situation is in keeping your thoughts to yourself. How the other person responds in the communication is not your problem. Speaking calmly, without judgement, with honesty and respect is enough. I felt proud that I could do that.

Honest communication can be effective in growing a relationship and bringing a deeper connection. Sometimes it can reveal what you may already know deep inside, that a relationship has grown apart. I will write about this in more detail in another post. The outcome will show you what to do next, if anything. It will bring an issue to the table.

Being honest is learning a skill. Nerves, anxiety takes over at the start. You can be defensive, your protection to a perceived threat. Your survival instincts kick in. This is normal. For some, this is an extreme reaction. For all, there is a sense of needing protection. You can not be grounded and anxious at the same time as you can not be in two contradictory states at the same time.

If you are not grounded, you are unlikely to speak with assertion and integrity. Your basic need is protection, safety. If you are not self aware, you do not have a healthy sense of self and/or you have yet to practice honesty your response is likely to be defensive and often aggressive in nature. You put on your armour ready to fight. Fire! You let out a barrage of aargh. You blast your emotions everywhere. This is not a calm, honest expression of how you feel. It is a myriad of emotions rolled into one sticky flapjack.

For me, it was sadness, frustration and anger mixed with portions of isolation. Feeling unimportant and sometimes feeling invisible. It was fear mixed with a longing to just express how I was feeling as an open conversation.

A memory comes to mind. I was in a coffee shop last year (yes I know, I love my coffee shops). I had an incident with non other than a lady and a cup of soya milk. The simplest experiences often provide the biggest learning. The gist of the conversation was that the lady was blaming me for wasting coffee when quite simply the drink was just wrong, a few times. My chest was tight, I had uncomfortable feelings throughout my body. Despite this, I was aware there was a difference.

I was not taken over by my feelings. There was a change, a shift and quite a big one. I spoke. I did not react. I was assertive. I was not defensive. I showed confidence in myself and what I knew to be right. I simply explained how I felt. I did not feel bad. I did not raise my voice. I spoke calmly. I felt amazing. I felt empowered. I felt super proud.

I was exercising the ‘power of now’.

This was another pinnacle moment in my honesty with other people. Actually, it is really an honesty with myself. I am not hiding what I am feeling. I am not hiding what I am thinking. If something needs to be said I am more able to say it. This is an ongoing road for me, a relatively new road so I am sure I will not manage it every time. This is ok. I am aware.

The beauty of learning and growing

Sophie Marie